09-03-2017 by 
6

I bake with my kids, I play with them, do everything in my power to make them happy. I cook from scratch, my house is clean, I'm married to my soulmate. My jobs are great, I love what I do, I love my life - it is amazing. 

Good for you I hear you say? 

Yes, it is. It is now.

It wasn't always that way. It took a lot of hurt and pain to get where I am today. A lot of major fuck- ups and disasters along the way. Sometimes I look back at how out of control my life was and wonder how I made it out alive. I wish I was exaggerating.

Depression. Self-harm. Binge-drinking. Reckless behaviour. To name but a few of my many hidden ugly truths.

I have been a single-mum. Divorcee at 29. Lived in a tiny council flat worrying about who was going to knock on my door next by mistake-usually after the dealer who lived nearby. Watched the girl opposite come out of her flat in a body-bag, thanks to heroin.

I have allowed myself to be treat so badly by men, in the past, thinking I deserved it. I have also treat people badly myself- I would like to say as a defence mechanism to push them away, however there is no excuse for some of my actions, they were wrong end of.

The worst part about feeling so worthless was, when one day I felt so low I wanted to end it all. The thing was I couldn't, I felt that would be too good for me, too quick I thought, I forced myself to live through the hell I had created.

Where did it all turn around?

When I took responsibility for my life and my actions. When I cut out anything and anyone that made me feel bad about myself and changed my habits completely. I made an appointment to see a councillor, gave up smoking and started exercising. I also met my lovely friend Betty Wilson.

That was almost 7 years ago.

Do I still have down days? Yes. Everybody does. We need to or how else would we measure happiness? Am I grateful for every day, even the ones where I feel rubbish about myself? Yes, because without them, where would my motivation come from? How would I know I felt amazing, if I didn't know what unhappiness felt like? What would push me to do better, if my life was great all the time? I have learned to love myself and am strong enough now to say I am who I am and I am proud.

We are all hiding ugly truths, but some of us decide to show them and shine anyway.

 

 

 

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Comments
10-03-2017 11:20
Very true. You deserve all the happiness, you have worked for it. Keep on shining your light huni.
10-03-2017 11:22
Great post, thanks so much for sharing and encouraging others !
10-03-2017 19:53
I feel for all you have endured but have HUGE admiration for the strength you found to work your way through it. Sheer hard work and determination to make a better future for yourself. Girl, look at yourself now! What an amazing woman you have become and what a fantastic role model for your children. Celebrate and enjoy what you have achieved, you've truly earned it
13-03-2017 21:23
Hi Di, Fiona and Lorna!
Thank you all for your kind comments I really appreciate them they honestly do mean so much to me so thanks xx
07-09-2017 21:52
Well done for recognising your beauty Amy. Every beautiful soul has to experience the chrysalis stage. You are definitely a beautiful soul. You are amazing. Xxx
08-09-2017 08:48
Hi Diane, thank you for that beautiful comment I do appreciate them all. You are amazing too xxx

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