Have you ever been so low you didn’t think there was a way up- only out? Felt so alone that even you didn’t want to spend time with you anymore? Felt so empty nothing seems worth carrying on for? I know very well how all that feels. I also know, had those feelings won I would never be here today to tell the story of my success and happy ever after-or at least happy until life throws the occasional spanner in the works that is.
I can still remember the first time I cut myself. I can remember the sting, and the warmth of the blood running down my arm, mimicking the warmth of the tears streaming down my face. It felt like such a release. I wanted people to know how much I was struggling inside yet, didn't want to tell anyone for fear of being told I was just being silly. I used to write stories about a girl who wanted to kill herself. I fantasised about doing it. I never built up the courage.
I really don't know where I got the idea from as I'd certainly never heard of anyone else doing it back when I was a teenager, but when I picked up the razor in the bathroom and dug it into my arm for the first time, the stinging sensation was immense, and the release of blood trickling down my arm somehow stopped my heart from hurting as much. It gave me a new focus, although a feeling of humiliation followed. What had I done? I hadn't wanted to kill myself. It wasn't a cry for help, not an attempted suicide, yet it had felt – good. No, that’s the wrong word. Better? A bit I suppose, even though the shame was overwhelming. Stupid girl! Why have you done this? What if someone sees? Luckily, I got away with it, nobody noticed. I'd found a way of dealing with my pain.
I had a very troubled time as a child and adolescent. My way of dealing with things was taking it out on myself. I just wanted to be free of the pain I carried around inside me like an extra organ, almost reliant on it to punish me as I felt so worthless. The self-harming started early and continued for years, although I never scarred myself seriously-couldn’t even do that properly.
As I got older drink became the new way to destroy myself. It was great, not only would you feel invincible, but you really didn’t care about anything. You could really go to town with the self-destruct button – as I did for a few years. I even dabbled with drugs, yet another way to harm myself. I’m certainly not proud of any of these actions and I’m not telling you to gain sympathy.
I want to reach put to anyone who feels this way to say it can get better. You can make a success out of your life. From a girl who felt so low the only way out was to hurt herself, to a woman who knows how special she is. From having no self-worth or respect to knowing how many admire me, myself included. I used to feel so shit, suicide was too quick an option for me, I endured years of pain instead. Now I’m living the life I always dreamed of.
Do I still have days where negative thoughts fly through my mind? Of course I do. How do I deal with it? I tell myself to look how far I have come and see how much I have brought to the table of life. I created three beautiful children and raise them to the best of my abilities, giving them a safe place to enjoy childhood, but also arming them with tools to deal with the world. I’ve created this blog to help people feed their families cheaply, have fun for free and generally inspire people to do their best. I started up two businesses from scratch with no qualifications other than my A* in life and some G.C.S. E’s. I intend to make the biggest success story from what started as a write off and I want you all to know you can do it too.
So, whether you’re struggling right now because you can’t see a way out, or you’re fed up of being where you are in life – make a change. Do something different that takes you towards the life you want. If you have a burning desire to do more with your life – do it, nobody will come along and offer you things you need to go out there and grab opportunity with both hands.